trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
