He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
