So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
