peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
