I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
