Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
