Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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