I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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