And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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