I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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