Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
