I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
