Your mouth is God's brothel.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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