i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
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if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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