I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
