i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
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