were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
