Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
