I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
