i think my tv is drunk
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
