I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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