Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
