The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
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You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
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She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
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