Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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