i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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