i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
