Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
