A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
