I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
