Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
