ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
