I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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