Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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