I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
