why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
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Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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