His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
you traded sex for a burrito?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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