we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize