you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
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you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
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Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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