If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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