You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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