I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
