Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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