the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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