She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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