at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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