Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I have aggressive nipples.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Randomize
