My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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