Your mouth is God's brothel.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
