fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
