Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
