i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Randomize
