I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Bring me that man meat
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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