If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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