I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Randomize
