Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
