Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
