4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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