chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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