I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
two words...techno handjob
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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